seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
God I need to hump something, right now.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
