That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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