My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
