I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
