Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
