Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
