He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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