I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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