Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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