and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
COCAINE IS GR8
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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