Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
