She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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