Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
