even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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