Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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