Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
