i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
