happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
