so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I will be naked everywhere
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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