woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
