Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
