he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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