I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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