a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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