its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
