can we get nightvision for the apartment?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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