He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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