my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
