Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
