so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
