someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
