I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She even gives head with a lisp.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
