wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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