My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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