I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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