i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
