In the future we'll all be gay
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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