I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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