I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
