i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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