She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
