Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
