Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
