I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He better not be in your backpack
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
