Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
