I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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