Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
