weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I CAN MOONWALK!
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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