my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
