i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
