The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
